A is for Apple. L is for loser. Why Apple sucks.

Trigger warning: If you are currently an apple user, or have been at any time in the last thirty years, then this review might cause you to pull your braids out and choke on your avocado latte. Reeeee!

I have never been a fan of Apple. That much I can fairly admit. From their stupid contrived logo, to their corny taglines, overpriced machinery, highfalutin retail stores, and hypnotised, rabid fanbase. Apple is and always will be the embodiment of the idea that “Masses make Asses”

But for today I will attempt to put aside any and all biases to give to you an honest and straightforward review of why Apple products are for absolute losers and why anyone who thinks there’s anything even redeemable about this cult-like mega-corporation deserves to be tried at Nuremberg.

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Point 1: Apple is a lifestyle, not a product

This is maybe the most egregious of all the faults that Apple has. What the hell does an Apple lifestyle even mean? Does the Apple lifestyle involve blatant uninspired stealing of better ideas? Is it the exploitation of third world countries to better their already astronomically huge profit margins?

Buying an iPhone or a pair of airpods (while making you look ridiculous) does not in any way represent a lifestyle. If you have a Macbook but have no idea how to code on Unix or even understand the basics of computer language programming then you’re just a sheep following the Steve Jobs train.

Photo by Resul Kaya on Unsplash

Point 2: Apple products are nowhere near their competitors

You know why gamers avoid Apple like the plague? It’s because we actually use our machines and we know how terrible Apple is. No self-respecting gamer or tech enthusiast would be caught dead in the same vicinity as an Macbook, or worse an iPhone.

For every Apple product in the market, there is an equivalent that is either almost as good or far superior. For the Macbook we have Windows 10. The greatest OS since XP. And with 11 coming up, the gulf can only widen. For the iPhone we have Android (although google is another nightmare. More on that in future piece). For the i-pad, i-pad mini, i-cloud i-whatever there is always a better alternative.

Photo by Nathan Wright on Unsplash

Point 3: Apple manipulates people into obsequiousness

I don’t hate Apple users. I pity them. It’s sad that Apple is winning a culture war and their prize is complete control over a legion of easily-manipulated, naïve, low-energy, tech-noobs with more dollars than brain cells. The real genius of Apple is how they’ve turned each one of their zombified customers into a walking advert for their crappy products.

It’s hard for the average joe on the street to resist the pull of being sucked into the monochrome dystopia of the “apple lifestyle” when their closest family and friends have already become unwilling victims of the world’s greatest marketing scam since feminism (more on that in a future article).

But for now, dear reader, just know this. Apple is not a technology company. They’re a marketing conglomerate that just happens to have shiny toys. And like moths to a flame, they’ve successfully managed to manipulate just enough people to fall for their scheme and peddle their products for them.

But it won’t last. Consumers are starting to realise there are better alternatives. Apple has lost its shine and will soon go the way of companies like BlackBerry and Nokia and Tumblr. For those of you reading this on your Macbooks and iPhones, I feel nothing for you. For the rest of us getting by on our androids with much better specs, and our PCs with a more stable Operating System, I am proud of you and urge you to continue resisting the temptation to follow the rest of the crowd in their blind worship of a stupid company that uses a half-eaten fruit as their mascot.

Find out more about why I hate Mac users and their ilk here: https://bit.ly/uvseason1


If you have nothing nice to say, maybe say nothing at all.